The Blame Game

My whole life I've been able to blame my weight on a lot of my problems.  Everything from problems with jobs and relationships to problems with daily life and responsibilities.  Think about it, at 379lbs I wheezed when I just sat still, walking was a chore and no matter how clean I was it was hard to keep giant fat rolls from creating a small past mid-day.  My main focus was food so when given a job to do all I could think about was the next break I could grab and what I could eat.  I was always tired because even if I used my CPAP machine my sleep apnea was so severe that I never slept peacefully.  I would fall asleep in the middle of the day doing tasks at the computer because my body was so tired from the restless sleep apnea brings.  

Now at 200lbs I'm still "a big girl" but no where near as big as I was at 379lbs.  My sleep apnea is almost resolved and I can actually get a decent nights sleep, this means no more falling asleep while doing simple tasks.  I can run and go anywhere without running out of breath.  I don't wheeze when speaking to someone nor do I mouth breath anymore.  My confidence is at an all time high and I approach life's situations with a new outlook.  My weight is no longer an excuse.

Thinking about the fact that my weight isn't at the forefront of my life anymore I applied to jobs.  Better than applying I scored a job!  I could of easily found a desk job that had me sitting all day, but I didn't want that.  I wanted a job that keeps me moving, on my feet and interacting with customers. I wanted flexible hours and a great staff.  I found all that and more.  I work at WAWA!  Those of you on the East coast will know exactly what I'm talking about and why I'm so excited.  Those of you who don't know, I highly suggest on your next trip out this way you seek one out.  Wawa is a deli/convenience store with superior customer service and atmosphere.  I have friends who move away from them and have their coffee and products shipped to them.

As far as a weight update goes, I'm bouncing between 200 and 210.  I hope it's not the end of the road for me (and I doubt it is) but regardless of what the scale says I feel fantastic!  Today I even had my 10 year old jog with me.  We watched The Fat Boy Chronicles together for motivation and he's going to be joining me on my morning jogs for now on.

In the next few days be on the look out for my favorite new product!  I had the amazing opportunity to review Oh Yeah! protein drinks and I am blown away by them.  I'm waiting to hear back to see if I can do a give away with my review before I post.  Keep your fingers crossed!

I gained some and I lost some

I'm almost 10 months post-op.  I've learned a lot in these past few months.  I've also lost a lot.

I've learned that friends come and go but family (blood or bond) will stick with you forever.
I've learned that I know nothing close to what I thought I knew.  Each and every day is a learning experience whether it's about Weight Loss Surgery or life in general.
I've learned to love my body no matter what misshapen form it may take on.  Right now I look like a deflated Macys balloon, but put on some clothes and I look like a million bucks!
I've learned that love knows no bounds.

I've lost a few friends along this journey and I miss them dearly but sticking up for myself and my beliefs are something that is easier to do now.  No matter what the circumstance I have finally learned that it is not ok to be trampled on or under appreciated.

My biggest accomplishment?  I've lost 175lbs!

My hair is finally starting to grow back!  See:

What you can't see is my "new growth" that takes me about half an hour to tame.  But it finally looks a bit fuller :)

Here is my most recent before and after for those keeping track :
Yellow shirt June, 2011 @ 379lbs / Purple shirt April, 2012 @205lbs

Speaking Out

We finally were able to find a decent car at a decent price.  That meant a whole lot of running around and doing errands yesterday. It also meant seeing a lot of people some of which I've never met and some of whom by chance got to see my old ID.  These stories are worth sharing and this was the first place I thought of.

For me speaking out about my weight loss is easy.  I don't think twice about it.  Some of the "vetts" who have had this surgery far longer than I taught me that speaking out and paying it forward is the best thing I can do.  Because of them I've even gone as far as print up full color business cards as my "before" picture for moments just like the ones below.  As soon as I can snap a good picture of them I'll post them on my Facebook Fan Page for you to see.

My first trip yesterday was to the insurance company to give them a copy of the title for my new car so I could head to DMV and get it registered.  I love my insurance company.  They are sweet, always remember who I am and probably the chattiest bunch of kind women I have ever met.  One of them in particular always remembers who I am and it never fails to make me feel special.  She always remembers who I was until yesterday that is.  I haven't seen them since August, and even then I think she had off for the day, so I haven't seen her in probably a year.  Yesterday she had a full conversation with me and had no clue who I was until she heard my name and her jaw dropped to the floor.  I spent the next half hour with some of the women from the insurance company crowded around to hear all about my surgery and I even passed on my "before and during" card.  I don't know that I made a difference with any of them per say but even if in passing they mention it to a friend who contemplates it or what I had to say simply lowered the stigma of WLS in general than I did my job.    Not to mention the flattery that comes along with someone being so shocked to see the new you.  I absolutely love it and I'm finally starting to get used to the compliments.


Next, I stopped by my dads house to grab him so he could keep me company on my all day adventure and while I was there he had an old family friend there who hasn't seen me in ages although has been following my updates on Facebook.  The look on her face when I walked in is what I live for!  I wanted to squeeze her and never let go.  My favorite comment?  "You look like you're already at 150lbs" Bless her heart! Thank you "S" for making my day!

My last and final trip of amazement believe it or not was the Department of Motor Vehicles.  They wanted to confiscate my license because I was over due for a new picture!  This of course led to a whole conversation with the picture ladies who I also ended up passing my card onto.  I love when I leave a place such as a store or office and as I'm leaving, after the conversation of my weightloss is over I still here on the way out "Keep it up girl!" and "Congratulations!".  By the time I made it home last night I was on cloud 9.

My lesson in all of this is, don't be afraid to be open about you're surgery.  You never could imagine the way a few compliments from a stranger or a conversation with an old friend will make you feel but better yet how great it will make them feel.  You don't have to take it to the lengths I have by blogging.  Sometimes just a little info for someone who has never heard of your surgery or met someone with WLS can be the encouragement someone needs to start taking control of their own life.  I wish I would of met someone who had WLS years ago, maybe I wouldn't of waited so long.

Happy New Year!

This past year has been filled with laughter, love, tears, compassion, hardship, but most of all for me it's been about perseverance.

For my blog readers you have been able to see a small snippet into my life and experience some of what I'm talking about.  For friends and family you have seen first hand what this past year has entailed for me.  For both my readers and my loved ones I owe all of you a HUGE thank you.  Without the support and compassion that I have seen there is no way I would be where I am right now.

Here is a small list of the things I have experienced this past year.  I will try my best to keep them in order.  For those who are keeping track.  There is plenty to be thankful for in my life online but this is my DS blog therefore I'm going to try my hardest to keep on track with the theme.

1.  Life Came to a HALT:   In the beginning of the year, around January, I realized at 30 years old my health was declining faster than it should.  I was overweight, unhappy, uncomfortable but most importantly, unhealthy.  I started on my journey to a healthier new me.  I joined OH and started seeking out surgical options.  I also scheduled a doctors appointment with my new PCP to discuss what I could possibly do.  At this point, the option I liked best was the Lap band.  By February I had done enough research to learn that with my weight, lifestyle and for best overall results the only way for me to go was a Duodenal Switch.

2.  Time to Move On!:  By the time February rolled around I was determined on the DS.  I started to research doctors and found Dr. Greenbaum.  Not only was he one of the top docs for my surgery in the country but he was right up the street (literally 5 minutes from my house).  The best part was he took my insurance!  That was it.  mind made up, surgeon picked and support system in place!  for the next few months I researched, hit some road blocks and kept on 'truckin.

3.  Life is Forever Changed:  By June I had completed my testing, had gotten approved by insurance and had my surgery date scheduled.  On Monday, July 11th 2011 weighing in at 360lbs (I lost 19 lbs on my pre-op diet) my life changed forever.  By the end of that day I had custom designer guts and would never be the same again.  For those that paid attention I have the COOLEST surgiversary date ever!  Every year on 7/11 7-Eleven offers free Slurpees.  That means every year on the day I will relive one of the moments that changed my life forever I get a free Slurpee (I will be going for the sugar free version this year).

4.  Reality Slowly Slips Away:  Since 7/11 I have not had one week where my body hasn't changed.  If pounds weren't melting off the inches were.  I've seen frustration with my vitamins and water.  I've been furious over the fact that I can never seem to eat enough.  I've watched my immediate family change their eating habits and my wife lose weight in her own amazing way.  Nothing about my life is the same as it was.  I don't have any of the same clothes I had a year ago, My feet are smaller, I swear I'm shorter but mostly I have never felt so amazing in my life.

The old me vs the new me?

This time last year:
I weighed 379lbs.
I was wearing a size 28/30 or a 5xl with my shoes at a 10.5
I ran out of breath going across the room.
Stairs were my worst enemy.
My sleep apnea setting was the highest it's ever been, 16.
My blood sugar was completely out of control.
My cholesterol and blood pressure was getting higher every day.
Because I had no energy parenting was a chore.  To think about how this effected my son makes me sick.
Although I thought I was cooking healthy I had no idea what I was really doing to my family.
I hated going out because face it, at 379lbs taking a shower was a chore.  Going out to the car and moving around was torture.

Today:

I weigh 240lbs.

I am wearing an 18 or a 1x and my shoes are a 9 - 9.5 (I steal my sons clothes now)

I have to run around the block to run out of breath.

I love stairs.  I love the burn they make my legs feel after I've run up and down them a few times.

I am about to have a new sleep apnea study because my setting of 16 is entirely too high.

My blood sugar?  Normal.  All the diabetes signs I had such as the black rings around my neck are gone!

My cholesterol?  Normal.

My blood pressure?  Low.

My son doesn't have as much energy as I have.  Sometimes he can't even keep up with me.  

I now cook only healthy.  Everyone in my house is benefiting from the way I cook.  

I hate sitting in the house.  I look for every excuse to take a shower, get dressed and go out.

This past year has been memorable in so many ways.  I could keep going on and on but you'd get bored.  One thing is for sure, I may be thinner but I feel huge with the amount of love and people I now have in my life because of a surgery I never thought I would have the guts to have.

Thank you so much for every comment, message and like you have shown to my page.  I appreciate every single one of you.  Wether I've met you in real life, have already known you, or we know each other through IM's and forums, you have all made a tremendous difference in my life.  From the bottom of my heart, Thank you.

I can't ring in the new year and send out the old one without taking a moment to thank one of the most important people in my weight loss surgery journey.
R.I.P. Stephanie.  I will miss you forever and beyond.  I have you to thank for so many things.  Thank you for being all that you were and all that you will always be in my heart.  I dedicate my journey through WLS to you.  

-Forever Your's-

The Vanishing Mom

aka

Joianne

Sometimes Love Comes In Many Forms

If you know me personally you may have heard about my best friend and her battle with cancer.  If you don't know me personally you are about to find out a little more about me.  This has impacted me more than my DS has.  I've known this woman for over 12 years and her family has always meant as much to me as my own.

My best friend was diagnosed with cervical cancer a little over a year ago.  According to testing it was stage 2 aggressive.  She went under intensive radiation and chemo which did little to her cancer cells.  Finally they performed a hysterectomy this past fall.  Her surgery knocked her off her feet and caused several complications.  This past week her biopsy results came back and the cancer is still there.  She will be undergoing chemo and radiation again this coming new year.

My heart breaks for her.  She is a single mother to three children.  One is Autistic and one of them lost her father almost two years ago to cancer.  My friends life is anything but easy.  She is currently living in a state that offers little resources and since she is unable to work she is struggling more than someone should.  I wish there was more I could do to help.  Since there is very little I can do here states away from her I am spending my spare time researching everything I can in her area and looking for help in every nook and crany that I can.  One of the things I'm doing to help her along the way is setting up a donation site so that maybe I can get some food in her house and maybe a bill or two paid.  I know money is tight for everyone so if nothing else I am just asking that you pass this around.

As of last week her insurance refused to pay for a very much needed pet scan.  News such as this is such a blow to her.  I will make sure to keep my readers updated through here and my donation site.

Prayers, wishes, and thoughts are greatly appreciated for her.

Raise Money Online

Holidays Every Day

I didn't make too big of a deal about Christmas on here.

I have my reasons.  One of which is that I've been so darn busy with the family that coming online to do anything was almost impossible.

Another reason is because I have a problem with the "Holidays".  Yes, this time of year is magical and amazing but shouldn't the rest of the year be the same?  I try to find one thing in my day (in my week at least) that makes me feel just as magical the rest of the year.  This past year has been full of amazement for me.  I have a whole blog post of "Wows" ready for New Years so I'll save that rambling for this weekend.

Christmas here at the VM house was nothing short of amazing though.  It was simple, sweet, and filled with family, just the way it should be.

I indulged a little bit more than I normally do.  I had a bit of sweet potatoes, red potato salad and a tiny slice of my Sister in Laws Famous Apple Cake.  With all the carbs I managed to get down I lost 4lbs.  Crazy for the Normies with their Normie bellies but for my DS belly awesome stuff!  Carbs are normally a no-no for us.  Carbs are easy to digest therefore we absorb all those calories and they can have the same effect as it does for anyone else with some added gas.  However if you follow your DS diet and indulge a little bit on a rare occasion expect it to shake things up a bit, in more ways than one.  Every DSer reacts a bit differently but for me all I had was a tiny bit of extra gas and the loss of a few lbs.

For Christmas we go to my wife's Aunt for Christmas breakfast and than we come home and I have some of my family over for dinner.  This year we were able to have my dad, my Sister in Law and her awesome boyfriend, and on Monday we took a trip to my moms to spend some time with my Step Dad, my Mom and my Step Brother.  Like I said, simple and full of family.

How were your Holidays?

Christmas Came Early!

Last night was amazing.  

Good friends

(L to R An online friend who also used my surgeon, Dr. Greenbaum, and myself)

A night out on the town!

(My wife and myself)

I LOVE my support group.

Dr. Greenbaum offers an awesome support group for his pre-ops and post-ops.  I still rely heavily on my online support groups but for the chance encounter for one on one a support group in person can be an amazing experience.  One of the perks are Holiday Party's.  Last nights was no exception.  I got my certificate for the Century Club (increments of 100lbs lost).  My wife won an amazing gift basket but most of all we connected with some pretty awesome people.  Not to mention I looked fabulous.  Please excuse my hair though, by the time I took this picture I was wiped out.  I had to put my shoes back on just to take the picture.  :)

Tis the Season to Pay it Forward

It's 8:30am.
The boy is off to school.
My mug of coffee is almost done and I'm about to take my first round off vitamins.
Once that is done I'm off to the Wii Fit which will tell me I'm losing weight too fast but still overweight.
Then I think I might go for a power walk, with my bestie Adele of course.  Her album makes for the best workout session!


This past week has been rather inspirational for me.  My wife and very good friend are both starting their journeys to a brand spanking new DS.  They've both talked to their primary doctors and received referrals for Dr. Greenbaum. I've set them both onto two of my favorite research sites Obesity Help and DSFacts.  They've both been to support groups with me and talked to other WLS friends.  Most of all though they've watched how I've slimmed down, grown and transformed over the past 5 months.  With both of them having several comorbalities they are excellent candidates for WLS.  I am so excited for them!  Being able to pass on the gift of health feels terrific.  Most of all I'm excited that my wife will be my partner in crime all the way!

The hardest part of passing on the gift of WLS is trying to get an excited newcomer to realize that with the good comes some bad.  It is major surgery.  There is a chance of major complications even if you do follow all the rules.  Your safest route is being informed.  When it comes to such a major life change there is no such thing as too much information.  So I've pointed them to a few blogs of wonderful people who have no problem sharing their stories.  I'm sure I've mentioned them before but in case you missed it and you're contemplating WLS of any kind please check them out.  These blogs are filled to the brim with helpful information that you will find useful in every step of your journey.

First up is BlackBerry Mama.  She has several blog posts that I refer to over and over again.  For instance when she explains how losing too much weight is an amazing adventure theres more to it than meets the eye. She also shared how she had a pretty intense hospital stay because she wasn't keeping up on her vitamins.  The latter of the two posts spoke volumes to me and every time I have a hard time with my vitamins I refer back to it to remind just how important it is that I keep on top of them.

Second is Melting Mama.  While she didn't have the DS she did have WLS and although her regimen isn't the exact as mine it comes pretty close.  She has a great story to tell and doesn't hold back from explaining how WLS can drastically change your life for good, bad, and in between.  MM also has an awesome support group that she runs through Facebook.  She is blunt., to the point, and doesn't hold back.  My favorite recent post exposes things that pre-ops don't normally think about: transfer addiction.  Check it out in Tis The Season To Transfer Your Addiction.

Third is Formerly Fluffy.  She holds awesome contests and always has fantastic recipes.  I use her as a resource for information up and beyond what I can find anywhere else.  If she doesn't know about it there is bound to be a link somewhere in her blog about it.

Of course I saved the best for last!  Dina runs a blog called Living the DS Life.  I had a super hard time keeping anything in my belly.  I wasn't vomiting but I couldn't eat because I had nausea soo bad.  I couldn't even get in my vitamins.  Dina is the one who walked me through fixing my belly and she was there for me every step of the way.  When new patients ask me about post op diet and ideas on what to eat I direct them to her blog.  She has an awesome resource section for Eating.  Her story is also remarkable and one to make sure you read.

Programs, Support and Progress

Yeah I know, it's been forever and a day since I've made a new post.  Honestly though life has been crazy over here.  I promise not to stay away this long again.  I miss sharing but most of all I miss all the awesome feedback I get.

Short recap:

1.  As of this morning I've lost 132 lbs.  Yeah you read that right!  I am 5 months and two days out of surgery and I've lost a whole fricken person!  This is a huge reason why I've been absent.  In the past few months I find sitting down to be one of my biggest struggles.  Removing the weight of one person gives you amazing energy.  I now look forward to waking up early, taking a shower and picking out my cute outfit for the day.  Six months ago just getting out of bed was a struggle.  Sitting down at the computer for more than a few minutes seems like torture now.  As a matter of fact I think you all deserve a picture.  Here's my most recent (Thank you Daddy for putting it together!).  It's about 3 weeks old so expect a new one soon.


2.  Sitting down requires a longer explanation.  I've got hemorrhoids.  Personal and a little too much information I'm sure, however I did promise to share all the nitty gritty though so there you have it.  About a month ago I had surgery to remove some of them but it's still a work in progress.  So while sitting long enough to write a blog post is torture on my soul it can sometimes be a pain in the rear too.

3.  I needed to get back to the basics of being a mommy.  As hard as I try to put myself first there is this little guy who walks around here.  He needs my attention more than I do.  Since school is now in session which means this Mommy has IEP's, functions and homework to help with.  My son has ADHD and severe migraines and because of these things he gets extra attention from us.  Cooking dinner is normally a whole day process since we don't eat anything processed.  Everything I make to eat is fresh and homemade.  No food dyes, artificial anything (food dyes, preservatives or enhancers), and nothing premade (yuk).  We also practice Positive Behavior Mod which takes more energy than someone can imagine.  So needless to say the little guy (although he's not so little anymore) is a huge part of why I don't blog so much anymore.

4.  Thanks to this little nifty program I downloaded that was supposed to help make posting easier I lost 3 blog posts.  I never even thought to double check to make sure they made it on here.

     Like I said up top, I won't be gone this long again.  I miss you all.  Yeah I know I have a "therapist" and as wonderful as she is theres nothing better than spilling my guts on here.  Plus I have tons of new things to tell you about.  Rather than fill you're whole screen with nothing other than updates and all the awesomeness that I'm dealing with my way I'll split it up into a few posts.

     If you still are in the mood for reading head on over to one of my favorite WLS peeeps blog.  She's doing a contest right now for an awesome digital scale.  My Switched Scoop!

A Month?!

Has it really been that long?

School work and family has taken up so much of my time that my poor blog has been sitting by it's lonesome self.

I promise by the end of the day I will have an INCREDIBLE update with pictures to boot!

Happy Birthday To ME!

For my Birthday this year do you know what I got myself?  A few things actually:

• A Brand Spanking New 60 lb weight loss!  (As of this morning I'm 319lbs)
• An awesome family that loves me
• A Hurricane!  Beat that one! 

I'm here, I'm alive and I'm sorry if I haven't updated.  I've been super busy with school and my family.  I've also had a hard time thinking of this to write about that didn't involve Stephanie.  It's also been hard knowing she won't be able to comment or write me about something I've blogged.  I have heard from her friends and family though.  They really are wonderful people.  I'm so glad to have met them even if it was through such an unfortunate experience. 

I wanted to check in before Irene pounded us.  For those that don't know I live in NJ right across the bridge from Philadelphia.  Go ahead, I'll wait while you go check the link again....

Today I'm going to go register and insure my new Van and then I'm going to Camp Mom-Moms to pick it up, do a load of laundry, and sing Happy Birthday to me! Believe it or not the best part of my trip is not the van.  The best part of my trip is my step dads Pesole soup!  I've been craving this for weeks and I can't WAIT!

When I return to all my wonderful blogging friends I will have a new giveaway and a review!  I miss you all!

Friends in Low Places

The whole time I've been thinking about what I was going to write in this blog I have this stuck in my head

Listen while you read, it really will make the whole blog that much more enjoyable.
(deal with this version, apparently Garth Brooks doesn't like to share so I couldn't find his version on YouTube)

When I started the path to get my DS I figured I was doing something for myself.  I thought this was going to be a solo journey that I would need to find internal strength to complete.  Over the course of the last few months I've learned that I could never of been more wrong.  Yes I need internal strength to conquer my obesity, but when that's running low I have amazing family and friends to help hold me up. Some of the places I've found those friends are surprising and humbling. 

Take for example my friend Wendi.  We met online through ObesityHelp.com and then really connected on Facebook.  Our surgeries were at the same time so as we progress we are able to compare notes and share tips/secrets.  She has also been a huge source of inspiration for me, not to mention just a great friend all around.  She's the person who really inspired my blog today.  Just as I was feeling out of control and a little helpless to my vitamin regime Wendi messaged me and told me she couldn't use her vitamin organizer, and did I want it?!  I never mentioned to her the problems I was having, I was a little ashamed, so her timing was impeccable.   Not to mention the organizer she had was the same one I was so bummed out about not being able to afford.  Instead I've been using little baggies, which works but it can be a little daunting.  Now if only I can find a way for her to ship me some of those awesome zucchini flowers she's got in her yard!

This is my new pretty.  I will call her Emily.  She is my new friend.

When I opened the box this morning I sat and stared.  How in the world do we go through life without people like her?  People who unselfishly and without bounds love us as if we've always been a part of their life?  Friends who without the internet we never would of met? 

This past week has been full of those friends for me.  Losing one of my best blog buddies Stephaine, spurred an online grieving process with some of the best online friends I could of asked for, BlackBerry Mama and Heidi and others who belong to my Facebook OH group and my ObesityHelp.com online forum. It's comforting to know that when I may feel lost and alone with how my new life is turning I always have a group of people I can turn to.  Not only will they understand how I feel but they have no problem smacking me around a bit to get a point across that I may not of seen otherwise.  The best part?  OH holds conferences that will make seeing these amazing people possible.  In a week or two I'm going to start the "Send The Vanishing Mom to OH Conference" petition. 

This doesn't discount the amazing friends and family I have right here in real life.  My Mother, Father, Step-Dad, Wife, Son, Grandmother, and Best Friend are all not just supportive, but just as excited as I am.  I have met almost no hesitation with them.  If nothing else I've even been able to change some of the things they previously thought about WLS.  My Mother and Father tell me everyday how proud they are of me.  My son who is large for his age and has always had an appetite like a teenager (he's 9) is starting to be more aware of what he puts in his mouth.  We're watching him choose healthier options and move around more than ever before.  His reasoning?  He wants to eat healthy like his Mommy.  My wife has cut out all of the carbs in her life (yes even Pepsi) and has lost 20lbs so far.  My Step-Dad, who isn't the biggest supportive of WLS itself has even made the positive comment or two.  My Grandmother got me a WiiFit for my birthday next week because I'm so excited to use it to work out(this will be a whole blog post for itself probably tomorrow). 

Today I feel blessed.  On a day that is rainy, muggy and gloomy, after a week of sadness, I really needed a blog about the love we feel as we journey through life.  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

Tell me, How has major life events changed how you view your family and friends?

F****n Perfect

Theme song for today:
F****n Perfect by P!nk

Because of my surgery I have been working extra hard to let LV know just how perfect he is just the way he was born.  I tell him all the time he is perfect in every way to me.  I never want him to think that he will have to go to the extremes I am.  Instead we are working extra hard on showing him how to eat and live healthy.  We teach him why we eat certain foods and what they do to our bodies.  We push him as hard as we can to exercise.   Once I start to heal and can really start to walk outside he's going to be my walking buddy.  Of course I know from growing up that all the good parenting in the world can't prevent everything.  My parents were terrific.  My mom worked really hard at making sure we ate the right things.  We were always outside playing.  There was no need to push us to exercise.  Yet I still grew up to be the chubby girl in school and eventually the fat chick I am today.  My self esteem has been in the dump for years because of my weight.  I never want LV to feel like this.  Today's theme song is one we play a lot in my house for that exact reason.  Yes, curse words and all.   And LV can sing it at the top of his little lungs if he wishes.  He's actually a HUGE fan of Pink (my mom is too, must be a family thing).  Pink's music is empowering and  motivational.  Her music can touch you deep down to the core and really make you think twice about situations.  She can also make you feel like your on top of the world and can conquer anything. She's one of the top artists on my play list I made for my surgery.  Maybe tomorrow I'll share it. 

Tomorrow I start my clear liquid diet and I do a final check of my bags for the hospital.  LV will be off to my dads for the night (and the day of my surgery).  The anticipation is driving me nuts.  Since I'm sure Monday will be full of fun things in my IV, I can't wait until Tuesday, that will be the day I can sit in bed look at my belly and say "finally"! 

Calm before the storm

My Theme song for today:
Born to Be Somebody by Justin Bieber  (don't judge me, I love this kid, his music is inspirational)


I am calm. I am centered. I am ready. Most of all I'm ready to ROCK this surgery!

I signed my Living Will today.  That was big. Huge even.  It caused some controversy in the Vanishing household.  Which is why I did it.  No one should be forced to make those decisions for me, so I'm doing it ahead of time. 

I have some shopping trips to do.  Tomorrow we're going for one last round of grocery shopping.  On Sunday I'm hitting staples for their super cheap penny and quarter back to school sale. 

I promised Vamoosh one last cleaning run of the house from me since I won't be able to do it for a while. 

I have to clean Trent's cage out tonight.  Vamoosh won't touch him and his cage is a mess.  I just fed him so he won't want to eat for at least a week or two.

I feel like I can't sit still.  It's the little things that I feel I still need to do.  So I'm working on breathing.  I've been stuck on this website I breathe and close my eyes and picture myself at my moms.  My moms is the most relaxing place I know.  I joke that when I die I want my ashes scattered along Route 130, but I really want to be made into a tree and planted in the middle of her huge backyard.  I want to be a part of her relaxing landscape. 

Ok... I'm rambling which means I need to force myself off of here before I lose readers. LoL

Ready, Set, Go!

So obviously I've been bad with my schedule.  I think I like the way I've been blogging better anyway. 

My bags are packed, my vitamins are stocked, and everything is ready.  I received my final shipment from Vitalady today. 

I have enough vitamins to last me until November, barring any additional things I may need depending on my levels.  I won't need to start taking these for a few weeks but I'm armed and ready.  The box you see is full of samples and protein packets.  The liquid prescription bottle is pain meds filled and ready and the pink boxes in the background are Ziplock baggies.  That's how I'm going to organize my vitamins at first.  I'll have a big bag with four smaller bags inside.  Each big bag will be good for one day and each little bag will be labeled which time of the day I take it.  I will of course re-use my bags.  I will eventually switch to The MedCenter 31 Day Organizer.

I have a few jars of baby food and a box of baby cereal.  I have plenty sugar free Jello and Crystal Light.  I stocked up on creamy soups on my last trip to Trader Joe's.  I told you I was an over-preparer.

In my hospital bag (no picture, sorry) is:
pads (because of course this is a popular time of the month)
underwear (hospital underwear suck)
a brush
my own shampoo and conditioner (again hospital handouts suck)
chapstick
deoderant
and on Sunday I will add my phone charger, laptop and MP3 player (aka my wifi only Droid)

Nothing fancy.  I'll be too drowsy to really care about much else. I almost thought about not bringing my laptop but it's mostly to communicate with my son through video chat.  Well one way video chat.  I can't find my webcam for my home computer but he'll be able to see his mom even if all I am doing is sleeping, walking and, well, sleeping.   

Tomorrow in the mail I should have my Long Reach Comfort Wipe.  I said when I started this blog I wouldn't hold anything back and I'm sticking to my promise.  For those who aren't familiar with major abdominal surgery (my surgery is open), my stomach muscles aren't going to work the way they should at first.  Taking my size into consideration on top of that leaves us with a very messy situation.  In the hospital I have no problem asking nurses for help.  I had to do it when I had my appendix out and I can do it again.  Once I get home though it's a different story.  Yes, Vamoosh can help, she's even offered.  But honestly that's not an image I want burned into her head of me.

Tomorrow I also receive my BlenderBottle.  I wish I had this when I first started my liquid diet.  Oh well lates better than never since I'll need it for my protein shakes.

The only thing I'm missing now is my surgery time.  I'll find that out on Friday.  They say to call between 2 and 5.  Does anyone really wait until 5?  I will call promptly at 1:59 pm. 

I won't be able to update my blog obviously right away.  I am training Vamoosh on working Blogger so that when she comes home that night she can let you know how I did.  Anyone that knows me outside of my blog (friends and family) and wants a phone call, Email me.  I've already had a few people ask and I have a small list for Vamoosh to call. 


I'm soo excited.  I don't think even a trip to Disney World could top this feeling!

4 Things

Yes I know this is dated the 5th.  I couldn't sleep so excuse the middle of the night editing.

Damnit!  I had this wonderful post.  It was a great article on how as a nation we view America and how it's affected how we view ourselves.  I went to spell check it and click "Publish" and it's gone.  One minute one of my furballs was walking across my keyboard, and the next minute my article was gone.  This cat drives me insane.  I love him to pieces but why must he plop down and use my desk as his cleaning/cuddle station?


Since I couldn't have my original article to share and it is the 4th of July I thought I would share 4 random things you didn't know about me.  They'll probably help you understand future posts a little bit better but honestly, they are completely random. 



1.  Although not totally random, a valuable bit of info.  I am a mom to a wonderful 9 year old little boy.  I've mentioned him before and I will again because along with his unwillingness to give up the soft cuddles of his Mommy, his weight is also becoming an issue with the doctors.  I think we shall call him "Little Vanisher" or "LV" for short.  I am also a wife to a wonderful woman.  We've been married for 5 years come this August.  It feels like forever.  I couldn't imagine life without her.  I've been calling her my DP (Domestic Partner) but she needs a fun name.  We shall call her "The Vamoosh".  She is all my son knows.  I am his biological mom (it's everyones first question) but you almost couldn't guess because they mesh together so well. 

2.  I drove my mother crazy as a teenager.  One of the things I used to do was dye my hair.  I don't mean a kool-aid packet or spray color fun, I mean over bleach my hair and dye it a new crayola color every other week.  My best friend and I would go to the hippie store in the mall grab a new bottle of Manic Panic, then swing by Sally Beauty Supply for some cream developer and bleach powder.  We'd then go to her house, sit on her back steps and go to town.  This was probably considered mild to the other things I was doing to make my mom's hair prematurely grey, I'm sure the older boyfriends and "experimentations" played a bigger part.  On the upside we're best friends now.  She's the jelly to my peanut butter roll up, the icing on my Cinnabon, the bacon to my eggs, you get the point.  I love my Mommy :)

3.  We have pets.  I have a Ball Python.  I love him.  He is only MY snake, Vamoosh and LV refuse to mess with him.  LV likes to show him off to his friends and is getting braver but he still won't hold him long.  He's awesome.  Not as awesome as my Dumpy Frog I once had but pretty darn close.  His name is Trent after Trent Reznor of NIN.  I named him that because Trent is one of the baddest MFers I know, so my snake should be just as bad ass, and he is.  I also have two rescued furballs.  Sayori, our Bengal, is pretty but selfish and doesn't like to be bothered to much so we keep our distance.  She thinks she's a princess.  She will cry for you to pet her but only on her time.  Valentino, our Toyger is spoiled rotten.  He plays with the magnets on the fridge.  Every morning we have to pick them up off the floor.  He loves to see what we're hiding in the fridge also, you can't open it without him trying to climb in.  He's a total lover and loves kids.  He will greet anyone at the door and expect to be petted and loved upon.  He thinks we're an item and is super territorial over the whole family.  He also thinks Vamoosh shouldn't sleep next to me and has been known to wiggle between us in the bed at night after he's yelled at her 3 inches from her sleeping face. He is normally found cuddled in my arms at the computer desk.  If I'm doing school work he sleeps in the chair next to me. Wherever I am he is not far behind.  Right now he is on the chair I put next to me, stretched out with his head on my lap.

4.  My favorite color is lime green.  Upon meeting me you would think my favorite color is pink.  And it is awesome.  I do love me some pink.  Pantone #230 C  and #18-2120 to be exact.  Almost everything I own is pink.  Pink makes me happy.  Pink is calming, but green is exciting.  It makes your blood rush and your eyes pop open.  Green is fresh and new!  Sometimes it stimulates me too much so I stick to pink.  But deep down I have a love affair for green.  Lime green specifically but all greens win my heart. 

So now you know 4 new things about me.  I think I like random fact days.  I'll have to do them more often.  Whats a random fact about you?

Lingering

I'm still here.  I'm working on tomorrow's blog which I'm researching for.  I'm also trying to hide from all the barbecues going on. 

In other news I cheated today.  Ok so not too big of a deal I had a bite of steak from the grill and a string cheese.  All protein, no carbs and between me and you I deserved it. 

To keep myself busy tomorrow and stay away from the house which will be full of awesome smelling food I will be at the laundromat with my shakes and my water.  I will also have laptop in tow so that I can finish my blog, that is of course if I'm too busy playing angry birds or doing homework.

If I seem quiet the next few days though it's because I'm trying to keep busy.  I'm starting to get anxious about my surgery which is normal.  I'm more nervous about things running smoothly at home and with our son while I'm in the hospital. 

Now I have to go finish the potato salad for tomorrow that I promised to make while I try not to nibble.

Friday Rewind!

Because I make it a habit of posting once a day there's not too much to tell you that you haven't already heard [read].  So instead here are some of my thoughts and hopefully some inspirations!

Being fat sucks.  Being a fat lesbian sucks.  This is something I've always known but recently I've started to see how much I regret it in completely different ways than I once did. The stigma that comes along with being a heavy person goes far beyond what one might comprehend.  People immediately think your dirty, stupid, ignorant, lazy and sloppy.  These are qualities that don't come with size but yet as personalities.  I hate that these are the things that are immediately thought of me.  And in a lot of instances people don't take the time to get to know a person to find out that these things aren't true.  No matter what my size ends up being I will never put a persons look, size or situation ahead of getting to know them because I will always be "that girl" deep down.

I've had jobs turn me down simply because of my size, regardless of being qualified or not.  I've had medical problems go ignored and blamed simply on my weight.  People have lost out on being friends with me because they never took the time to get to know me.  This all makes me realize what a sad, sad world we live in.  Being fat isn't the only obstacle that will get you ignored the way I have been.  Being a different color, having a disability, age, dressing beyond the norm, being GLBT are just a few among the many of things that will have others look the other way.  If nothing else this journey has taught me to be more tolerant of others.  This is something I would like to spread around a bit as well.

I challenge my readers this weekend.  I receive about a hundred unique views a day on my blog.  I challenge each and every one of you to warmly say hi and possibly engage in a conversation with someone who normally wouldn't.  Even if it's a warm smile to the gay couple walking across the street, or offering the elderly woman help with reaching something in the grocery store, compliment the shoes on heavy set girl who is obviously trying to blend in by wearing something cute.  I'm not asking you to befriend everyone who might run into today.  I'm just asking that you say hello, and smile.  You have no idea how much of a difference that makes in a persons day who is normally met with shrugs, frowns, abuse or being ignored.  And who knows, maybe that help will brighten your day too.

Reflections

I'm writing this on a Saturday because last night I grabbed the midget and decided to spend time at my moms for the weekend.  My partner had other family obligations and I have to admit, she was right.  She told me to use this weekend to spend quality time with my family.  As much as I would of loved her here to enjoy the weekend with us, this has really given me time to reconnect with my mom.  We had my celebratory Last Night o' Food and munchies.  My mom and step-dad treated us to some Mexican, and for dessert, a smoothie for me, and some ice cream for the rest of the bunch.  I of course came home (well to her house) and almost collapsed from all the food I ate.  It was a great ending to a great day. 

My mom lives in the woods.  

No really, I mean the woods, like Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs woods.

Nothing spells relaxing than the sound of nothing but trees and birds.

Her house is nicely tucked away and behind her house is a clearing with trees and plenty of woodland animals to make you feel like you steped into the story of Red Ridinghood.  It's relaxing, calm and the perfect start to my liquid diet.  I was totally apprehensive of coming here to start this. I have recently quit smoking, my monthly friend should be here by tomorrow and I just had to say good bye to my soul mate (food).  I had wanted to curl into a ball, put some Netflix on with my headphones and not leave the bed all weekend.  I'm glad I have family who pushes me.  My mom played guilt trip until I agreed to come and I am grateful for every minute of it.  I can go out on her deck and listen to the trees, or I can curl up on her couch with her and watch some QVC (hey, don't judge us), or I can sit at her kitchen table with an awesome view of everything that is calm.  Not to mention I made sure I packed my xanex for the tough moments.  Plus this isn't really good bye to food.  Since I chose the DS it's more like "I'll see you later good friend" My diet post surgery won't be restrictive like some of the other weight loss surgeries.  I'll be able to eat all I love again, it's just a matter of time. 

This is the perfect ending to a near perfect week.