A year later

A year ago I was just 4 weeks away from my surgery.  I can't even begin to explain just how much my life has changed.  I'm going to try my best to share all the marvelous things I have experienced.

This post was supposed to wait until my actual Surgiversary but today I hit a HUGE milestone.  I am finally in Onderland.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with what that means, my weight is in the 100's.  When I woke up this morning I weighed in at 200.00 lbs.  After a long poo and stripping off all my clothes I weighed in at 198.9.  If I wasn't so sick from this head cold I would of screamed.  I am literally almost half the woman I was a year ago.

So besides the numbers on the scale what else has changed?

1.  For starters my clothes size.  I started out in a 28/30.  Today I fluctuate between a 10-14.  It's a funny thing actually,  This is the only group of sizes I have found to be so different.  When I was a size 20 I was a firm 20, same goes for every size from 16 and up.  A size 10-14 is a funny thing.  Some size 10s fit me awesome while others won't go over my thighs.  Some size 14s just fit and some fall right off.  I am officially in a size of clothes that I can't leach off my friends.  That feels weird.  I actually have to start buying clothes.  Thank goodness for Goodwill.

2.  My self confidence is through the roof.  I still have my insecure moments but at this point I see them as being normal.  I no longer hold my head down when I walk.  I know I am full of awesome and finally no one has to remind me of that.  I can thank my awesome online and real life support system for helping me realize just how much I rock!

3.  I have a job.  I stand on my feet for 9 hours a day and I freaking love it.  Most people would consider my job mediocre, but I love it.  I couldn't ask for a better work environment and I really feel good about what I do.  Plus it's like getting paid to work out.  You could ask for more?

4.  My friends.  The people I talked to prior to WLS aren't really around anymore.  Some have faded away for various reasons.  Some I had to release because I realized just how toxic they were for me.  I no longer have the patience for drama or negativity.  The people I now consider my friends compliment me in every way as I hopefully do them.  I value my friendships more than ever and maybe it's because I'm finally at a place in my life where I can see just how much we mean to each other.  Some of my closest friends I have never met face to face.  Its amazing how close you can be to people on the other side of the continent.  We fight the same battles and hold the same values.  My in person friends mean just as much to me.  My friends mean the world to me.  Thats not something I could of said a year ago.

5.  My family.  Family has taken on a whole new meaning for me.  The support they have shown me through the past year means so much.  They have never failed to lift me up whenever I've needed it.  My immediate family has shown me what it's really meant to be loved.  I couldn't wake up every day without knowing they have my back.  Through thick and thin they have shown me just how unconditional their love is.  We are closer than we've ever been.  I have no doubt that what our relationships lacked was hugely my fault.  I kept myself excluded from family activities and relationships.  My brothers wedding was a huge turning point for me when it came to how I interacted with those that mean so much to me.  It was the first time I saw just how much my energy had to do with how I enjoyed social family situations.

6.  My posture.  As silly as this might sound this is big for me.  I never realized how hunched over I was.  I stand straighter, sit straighter and my back thanks me for it.  It takes some getting used to but every day I make it a point to check how I"m sitting and standing.

7.  My energy level is amazing.  I never thought I would feel this active.  I can't sit still.  I go for walks in the morning and I'm almost ready to start jogging.  My ten year old thinks this is awesome.  He joins me for my morning walks most of the time and honestly it is the best quality time I could ask for.  We talk, we share and we enjoy the silent.

8.  Lastly the scale.  I can't wrap my head around what it says to me.  198lbs.... I know I still have plenty of weight to lose but honestly if I didn't lose another lb I would be happy right where I am.  To me 198lbs is heaven.

Sharing this past year on my blog has been quite the experience.  I still plan on posting although I can tell you now that sitting still long enough to type all of this out is hard.  If I'm not working the last place I want to be is tied down to my computer chair.  The best way I think to get updates at this point is my Facebook page.  I won't completely abandoned this blog though.  I still have a ton of reviews to post.  Hopefully the next thing I'll be posting is new pictures.  I look awesome and it's about time I share.

Fresh Beginings

On such a sad day when the world seems to come to a stop for some I like to think that it's a day of new beginnings. 

Today ten years ago I decided to keep a baby that I didn't think I was ready for.  Today my 9 1/2 year old stands besides me and reminds me of each life that was lost and how grateful I am am to them. We will always remember and cherish each and every family who lost a loved one. I hope one day he will grow up and help keep their memory alive. I can see the spark of hope in his eyes.  

At 8:46 my son and I held each other for a full minute, I had to wipe the tears but it led to a great discussion. We then sat down and talked about why 9/11 is so important, not just for a country but for him and I. We spoke of how almost 3,000 lives were lost that day but 2 were saved. We talked about why it's important for him to live his life with passion, hope and perseverance. One day that boy is going to make a difference in the world. He already has changed my world forever.

This year I reflected on how much the last 10 years have changed not just myself but those around me.  I think I can speak for all my loved ones that we are better people than we were 10 years ago.

So as I sit here sipping on my Chocolate/Banana Chike protein drink, I'm listening to the memorial at Ground Zero.  My heart goes out to all those who lost a loved one.  I also want to thank all those who have served/or are serving our country to keep our freedom.  

This year I've already taken the first steps to a new me.  I'm proud to be part of this country, a mother to my child and a DSer!  

Friday Rewind!

Because I make it a habit of posting once a day there's not too much to tell you that you haven't already heard [read].  So instead here are some of my thoughts and hopefully some inspirations!

Being fat sucks.  Being a fat lesbian sucks.  This is something I've always known but recently I've started to see how much I regret it in completely different ways than I once did. The stigma that comes along with being a heavy person goes far beyond what one might comprehend.  People immediately think your dirty, stupid, ignorant, lazy and sloppy.  These are qualities that don't come with size but yet as personalities.  I hate that these are the things that are immediately thought of me.  And in a lot of instances people don't take the time to get to know a person to find out that these things aren't true.  No matter what my size ends up being I will never put a persons look, size or situation ahead of getting to know them because I will always be "that girl" deep down.

I've had jobs turn me down simply because of my size, regardless of being qualified or not.  I've had medical problems go ignored and blamed simply on my weight.  People have lost out on being friends with me because they never took the time to get to know me.  This all makes me realize what a sad, sad world we live in.  Being fat isn't the only obstacle that will get you ignored the way I have been.  Being a different color, having a disability, age, dressing beyond the norm, being GLBT are just a few among the many of things that will have others look the other way.  If nothing else this journey has taught me to be more tolerant of others.  This is something I would like to spread around a bit as well.

I challenge my readers this weekend.  I receive about a hundred unique views a day on my blog.  I challenge each and every one of you to warmly say hi and possibly engage in a conversation with someone who normally wouldn't.  Even if it's a warm smile to the gay couple walking across the street, or offering the elderly woman help with reaching something in the grocery store, compliment the shoes on heavy set girl who is obviously trying to blend in by wearing something cute.  I'm not asking you to befriend everyone who might run into today.  I'm just asking that you say hello, and smile.  You have no idea how much of a difference that makes in a persons day who is normally met with shrugs, frowns, abuse or being ignored.  And who knows, maybe that help will brighten your day too.

Finally!

So I'm late with my first post. I know, it's just, well, ok, so I don't have a good excuse.

Let's start off with a little background info on that girl in the picture to the right.

Right away I'm going to tell you that I'm blunt. I tell it how it is. Sometimes what I write might be offensive, I refuse to apologize for that. It's your option to read what I write, you always have the option to press alt+F4.

I'm been chubby my whole life since about 12. I was that fat girl in school everyone teased. Looking back on it though I wasn't really all that heavy, I just wish I knew that then. Over the years I've watched myself get bigger, and bigger and bigger, with a break here and there when I would crash diet. I really put the pounds on after I had my son, and once the company I worked for (that I LOVED) filed for a reorganization and laid everyone off in 2006 everything really took a turn for the worst. This is officially the heaviest I've ever been. At 30 I now weigh in at 361lbs. My weight sickens me. When I think about it I get nauseous. I run out of breath just walking to my front door. It's hard to wipe my bum. No matter how much I shower, no matter how much I scrub I swear I still stink. My chin touches my chest. But what makes me even sadder is that no matter what I do, no matter how much I move around and watch what I eat, I know that no matter how much weight I lose it will come right back and with a few friends in tow. I have severe sleep apnea. I have pre-diabetes and my PCP has told me that if I don't change how I live now I will have full blown diabetes in a matter of a few months. Heart disease and diabetes runs in my family and so does a bunch of other fun fat diseases.

Today I take a stand against my weight. This stops now.  Over the past few months I have been through numerous tests.  I've been poked and prodded and I finally have my surgery approval.  On July 11th 2011 I will FINALLY get the tool I need to be successful in my weightloss.