A year later

A year ago I was just 4 weeks away from my surgery.  I can't even begin to explain just how much my life has changed.  I'm going to try my best to share all the marvelous things I have experienced.

This post was supposed to wait until my actual Surgiversary but today I hit a HUGE milestone.  I am finally in Onderland.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with what that means, my weight is in the 100's.  When I woke up this morning I weighed in at 200.00 lbs.  After a long poo and stripping off all my clothes I weighed in at 198.9.  If I wasn't so sick from this head cold I would of screamed.  I am literally almost half the woman I was a year ago.

So besides the numbers on the scale what else has changed?

1.  For starters my clothes size.  I started out in a 28/30.  Today I fluctuate between a 10-14.  It's a funny thing actually,  This is the only group of sizes I have found to be so different.  When I was a size 20 I was a firm 20, same goes for every size from 16 and up.  A size 10-14 is a funny thing.  Some size 10s fit me awesome while others won't go over my thighs.  Some size 14s just fit and some fall right off.  I am officially in a size of clothes that I can't leach off my friends.  That feels weird.  I actually have to start buying clothes.  Thank goodness for Goodwill.

2.  My self confidence is through the roof.  I still have my insecure moments but at this point I see them as being normal.  I no longer hold my head down when I walk.  I know I am full of awesome and finally no one has to remind me of that.  I can thank my awesome online and real life support system for helping me realize just how much I rock!

3.  I have a job.  I stand on my feet for 9 hours a day and I freaking love it.  Most people would consider my job mediocre, but I love it.  I couldn't ask for a better work environment and I really feel good about what I do.  Plus it's like getting paid to work out.  You could ask for more?

4.  My friends.  The people I talked to prior to WLS aren't really around anymore.  Some have faded away for various reasons.  Some I had to release because I realized just how toxic they were for me.  I no longer have the patience for drama or negativity.  The people I now consider my friends compliment me in every way as I hopefully do them.  I value my friendships more than ever and maybe it's because I'm finally at a place in my life where I can see just how much we mean to each other.  Some of my closest friends I have never met face to face.  Its amazing how close you can be to people on the other side of the continent.  We fight the same battles and hold the same values.  My in person friends mean just as much to me.  My friends mean the world to me.  Thats not something I could of said a year ago.

5.  My family.  Family has taken on a whole new meaning for me.  The support they have shown me through the past year means so much.  They have never failed to lift me up whenever I've needed it.  My immediate family has shown me what it's really meant to be loved.  I couldn't wake up every day without knowing they have my back.  Through thick and thin they have shown me just how unconditional their love is.  We are closer than we've ever been.  I have no doubt that what our relationships lacked was hugely my fault.  I kept myself excluded from family activities and relationships.  My brothers wedding was a huge turning point for me when it came to how I interacted with those that mean so much to me.  It was the first time I saw just how much my energy had to do with how I enjoyed social family situations.

6.  My posture.  As silly as this might sound this is big for me.  I never realized how hunched over I was.  I stand straighter, sit straighter and my back thanks me for it.  It takes some getting used to but every day I make it a point to check how I"m sitting and standing.

7.  My energy level is amazing.  I never thought I would feel this active.  I can't sit still.  I go for walks in the morning and I'm almost ready to start jogging.  My ten year old thinks this is awesome.  He joins me for my morning walks most of the time and honestly it is the best quality time I could ask for.  We talk, we share and we enjoy the silent.

8.  Lastly the scale.  I can't wrap my head around what it says to me.  198lbs.... I know I still have plenty of weight to lose but honestly if I didn't lose another lb I would be happy right where I am.  To me 198lbs is heaven.

Sharing this past year on my blog has been quite the experience.  I still plan on posting although I can tell you now that sitting still long enough to type all of this out is hard.  If I'm not working the last place I want to be is tied down to my computer chair.  The best way I think to get updates at this point is my Facebook page.  I won't completely abandoned this blog though.  I still have a ton of reviews to post.  Hopefully the next thing I'll be posting is new pictures.  I look awesome and it's about time I share.

I gained some and I lost some

I'm almost 10 months post-op.  I've learned a lot in these past few months.  I've also lost a lot.

I've learned that friends come and go but family (blood or bond) will stick with you forever.
I've learned that I know nothing close to what I thought I knew.  Each and every day is a learning experience whether it's about Weight Loss Surgery or life in general.
I've learned to love my body no matter what misshapen form it may take on.  Right now I look like a deflated Macys balloon, but put on some clothes and I look like a million bucks!
I've learned that love knows no bounds.

I've lost a few friends along this journey and I miss them dearly but sticking up for myself and my beliefs are something that is easier to do now.  No matter what the circumstance I have finally learned that it is not ok to be trampled on or under appreciated.

My biggest accomplishment?  I've lost 175lbs!

My hair is finally starting to grow back!  See:

What you can't see is my "new growth" that takes me about half an hour to tame.  But it finally looks a bit fuller :)

Here is my most recent before and after for those keeping track :
Yellow shirt June, 2011 @ 379lbs / Purple shirt April, 2012 @205lbs

Programs, Support and Progress

Yeah I know, it's been forever and a day since I've made a new post.  Honestly though life has been crazy over here.  I promise not to stay away this long again.  I miss sharing but most of all I miss all the awesome feedback I get.

Short recap:

1.  As of this morning I've lost 132 lbs.  Yeah you read that right!  I am 5 months and two days out of surgery and I've lost a whole fricken person!  This is a huge reason why I've been absent.  In the past few months I find sitting down to be one of my biggest struggles.  Removing the weight of one person gives you amazing energy.  I now look forward to waking up early, taking a shower and picking out my cute outfit for the day.  Six months ago just getting out of bed was a struggle.  Sitting down at the computer for more than a few minutes seems like torture now.  As a matter of fact I think you all deserve a picture.  Here's my most recent (Thank you Daddy for putting it together!).  It's about 3 weeks old so expect a new one soon.


2.  Sitting down requires a longer explanation.  I've got hemorrhoids.  Personal and a little too much information I'm sure, however I did promise to share all the nitty gritty though so there you have it.  About a month ago I had surgery to remove some of them but it's still a work in progress.  So while sitting long enough to write a blog post is torture on my soul it can sometimes be a pain in the rear too.

3.  I needed to get back to the basics of being a mommy.  As hard as I try to put myself first there is this little guy who walks around here.  He needs my attention more than I do.  Since school is now in session which means this Mommy has IEP's, functions and homework to help with.  My son has ADHD and severe migraines and because of these things he gets extra attention from us.  Cooking dinner is normally a whole day process since we don't eat anything processed.  Everything I make to eat is fresh and homemade.  No food dyes, artificial anything (food dyes, preservatives or enhancers), and nothing premade (yuk).  We also practice Positive Behavior Mod which takes more energy than someone can imagine.  So needless to say the little guy (although he's not so little anymore) is a huge part of why I don't blog so much anymore.

4.  Thanks to this little nifty program I downloaded that was supposed to help make posting easier I lost 3 blog posts.  I never even thought to double check to make sure they made it on here.

     Like I said up top, I won't be gone this long again.  I miss you all.  Yeah I know I have a "therapist" and as wonderful as she is theres nothing better than spilling my guts on here.  Plus I have tons of new things to tell you about.  Rather than fill you're whole screen with nothing other than updates and all the awesomeness that I'm dealing with my way I'll split it up into a few posts.

     If you still are in the mood for reading head on over to one of my favorite WLS peeeps blog.  She's doing a contest right now for an awesome digital scale.  My Switched Scoop!

Cleaning Up

For some Irene left a nasty mess of destruction.  For those people my heart goes out and I wish them a quick recovery. I've donated some of my protein samples to a few people I know.  I just wish there was more I could do.  If you made it through the storm as good as I've done consider donating to the Red Cross or other charities.  It's amazing how little help they get. 

For us though, the story is completely different. My basements got some water in it.  We were fortunate enough to grab some of the valuable things out first.  What we lose we didn't need anyway.  We were lucky.

There's a bunch of tree limbs and branches on my lawn and in the street but thankfully no trees. 

Really though, this is as bad as it got.

I have a grandmother still without power and most of the towns around us just got turned back on yesterday and the day before.  We lost power for maybe 5 minutes, like I said, we were lucky.

I've also been working on myself.  I started not to feel so good and thought for sure I was going to end up in the ER.  I had a hard time dealing with my emotions for this and didn't speak about it with friends or family.  I kind of just sucked it up.  Instead I reached out to some of the DS vets I know.  One of which is Awesome Dina.  Click on her name.  It'll bring you to her blog and it is completely worth the trip.   She has some of the best information for the DS and life afterwards available.  Her site is always my fall back.  Luckily I know her through some of the online sources I use so when in doubt she is always a message away.  She's been through a lot since her surgery so she has tons of advice and information to fill you up on. 

Turns out the 64oz of water a day that we need is just not enough for me so I'm working towards 100oz of water a day.  I also wasn't eating enough.  That my friends is a funny thing.  I used to always be hungry.  I never could get enough to eat.  Now?  I am never, and I mean NEVER hungry.  It's a weird feeling and it takes sometime to get used too.  It's teaching me to have a different relationship with food than I'm used too.  Before my surgery I ate what I felt like eating.  After my surgery I have to learn to eat what fuels my body and is good for me.  I'm starting to enjoy food more and appreciate it's worth. It's really hard to understand and wrap my head around but I'm loving every second of it. 

Now that I'm all juiced up and feeling terrific again I'll be posting again.  It was so hard to come on here and offer advice when I felt like sludge.  I hate whining so it was even harder to blog since I hadn't really told my family about it and they read my blog.  

I have a post all ready to go for later today I just didn't want to bombard you with two at the same time.  I have a product review for the PamiPocket and Tomorrow I have a review for Banana CHIKE!  (so far my favorite flavor)!

Oh No, I broke the rules

I did it. I didn't mean to but I couldn't help myself.

My wife keeps the scale in the kitchen.  I know what you're going to say.  Why in the world would anyone do that?!  It helps keep her on track with her diet which she is doing fabulous with.  I've done my hardest to stay off of the scale.  But today I couldn't help myself and I tiptoed on it and held my breath as I looked down.  330.4 lbs.... Are you kidding me?  I've been stuck at this number for at least a week now.  This is why we stay away from the scales.  I'm not as freaked out as you might think I am.  Because I have been following the advice of the wonderful people over at obesityhelp.com and have been measuring myself instead.  I also have been pay attention to how my clothes fit.  I know I've gone down in inches.  How many you ask?  Not enough that I feel comfortable with sharing just yet.  I'm going to update my numbers when I post my one month pictures (on Aug. 11th). The good news is that as long as I poop first I'll be able to go on a Wii Fit (crossing my fingers that I get one for my birthday in 2 weeks).

For the biggest question of the day: How are you feeling?
Honestly?  At four weeks I am feeling awesome!  I feel soo much better than I thought I would.  I have more energy and less pain than can be imagined.  I am also having fun cooking for my family.  They've been eating very similar to me which I've noticed is making a huge improvement with my son.  He's turned things down that a month ago he would of wanted second helpings of.  He's also excited about learning how to cook healthy.  What shocked me though is he wanted to weigh himself.  I put a quick halt to that mess.  There is no reason why a 9 year old needs to weigh themselves.  We had a nice long talk about diets vs. healthy eating and why at his age it's not something he needs to be concerned about.

Well I smell my dinner cooking.  We're having broiled cod with Quinoa and left over steamed brussell sprouts (fresh from the farmers market).

Don't forget to enter my giveaway from yesterday!  I'm giving away a free tub of CHIKE!  Make sure you spread the word.  If I have a good enough turn out I can do almost a giveaway a week of different products I've been sent to review!

Chike Review

My baby's back and I couldn't be happier.  I feel like I can officially resume life again.  That includes this blog.

So let's talk Chike!

Apparently I must of forgot to take pictures.  So I'll grab some from them so you can get an idea of what their product looks like. 

Let's start off with the fact that I hate protein drinks.  Actually I've only met a handful of people who do like them.  Part of my dislike for them is that for them to taste good you have to make up creative and sometimes odd concoctions in order to ingest them.  So from the door, when I received my samples I was pretty hesitant to like it.  

For my reviews I will only use water with a splash of soymilk if I feel it should be creamy.  For this review I strictly used water and followed the package directions:

"Fill shaker with 7oz. of water or your favorite beverage.

Add 1 packet (48g) of Chike.

Shake well and ENJOY!"

(The only thing I did extra was add two ice cubes after I was done shaking)

Made with strictly water and 2 ice cubes Chike's Strawberry Burst is full of flavor and just the right consistency.  I also didn't experience any nasty protein after taste that I normally do.  One of my favorite parts about this drink is that I only had to add 7oz of liquid.  The amount of liquid I have to add is super important to me since I'm an early post-op and can still only ingest a little bit at a time.  I find that other protein drinks require more liquid which means longer to ingest and by the time I'm done them they are warm and gross.  I also look for protein drinks that are true to their flavor.  If it's strawberry I want it to literally burst with Strawberry goodness into my mouth.  I don't want something that vaguely resembles pink liquid with some sweetness to it.  Chike  delivered enough strawberry goodness to my taste buds that I was almost disappointed it was gone.  I wanted more.  I'm going to wait to try the other flavors before I order because if their Strawberry was this good I can only imagine how good Chocolate, Banana and Vanilla must be!

Keep your eyes peeled for my first giveaway this week.  I will be giving away some Torani Syrup and some protein samples to try it with!  Spread the word so we can make this happen and have fun with it!

Two Week Follow Up

I'm working on a Blog Badge so if you have any ideas EMAIL me.  I'm coming up blank.

Today was my two week follow up with Dr. Greenbaum, which was freakin awesome!  I love talking to him about ObesityHelp.com and he loves that I'm using Vitalady!  He gets a kick out of me talking about him on the forums.

Ok before you ask, Stats:

375  Highest weight (June 22nd)
365  Surgery weight (July 11th)
337  2 week follow up weight (July 26th)


What's important for pre-ops to know though is that numbers will play tons of games with your mind.  IGNORE them all you can.  Instead pay attention to how your clothes fit.  Measure yourself.  Those are the things that are important.  The only numbers I plan on seeing are when my surgeon weighs me.  I refuse to look at the scale at my primary doctors.  I only list what I've lost before because it is the number one question people ask me. The reason for this?  As we loose massive amounts of weight in such a short period our bodys are going through this huge adjustment.  Once you loose a bundle of weight your body has to compensate for the fluid imbalance such as extra blood.  So you what you may interpret as a stall is just your body catching up with you.  Give it a week you'll notice inches have melted off and the scale will move again soon enough.

One of the things we talked about was my "fatty" liver.  He mentioned in the hospital that my liver was enlarged.  He biopsied it and according to him it's "not that bad"  I should receive a copy of my chart and surgical notes y the end of the week so I'll be able to see what the lab says for myself.  He did say though that now that I'm loosing weight it's size should go down too.

Heidi had asked how my pain level is.  Honestly I'm not really in pain anymore.  I'm uncomfortable and I'm still getting used to how my new belly feels but I feel pretty good.  The only real pain I'm having is my suture line.  It stings a bit and also itches at time which is all normal.  It's part of the healing process.  Nothing some tylenol won't fix although I normally ignore it.  Since my steri strip fell off two days ago I've been babying my belly.  I keep having visions of it being hit and my insides spilling out on the floor.  Silly I know, but do you blame me? LoL

My biggest  complaint right now, nausea.  I didn't have morning sickness this bad with my son.    Things that turn my face green?  Smells, like cigarette smoke, perfume, air freshener, certain foods and the way my son smells after playing outside. Some foods make me sick, not even eating them but thinking about the way they smell or taste.  Some times for no reason at all I'll feel sick.  Dr. G smiled when I said I've been feeling nauseous, I could of slapped him for thinking it was so awesome but according to him it's pretty normal.   So today he prescribed me Zofran which so far has helped ALOT.

I also get to start mushie foods net week!  I've been having a few already but honestly my belly feels better with mostly liquids so I'm not pushing it.  I know some doctors say mushies are ok at this point but I like Dr. G to go against what he's told me.  

I've also been working my vitamin regimen up so that I'm almost on a full schedule.  I have pictures to post and I will by tomorrow.  I'm exhausted.  I drove for the first time today and I've most definitely walked more than I have since my surgery.  Although I feel awesome I am sooo ready for a nap.  

Who Am I Kidding

It's like this kids.
No matter how much fluff or smiles I try to blog about there is nothing to hide my sadness.
I've been in hiding from confronting this and what a better place to do this than my blog.  I actually decided to post this because if you are thinking about, waiting for, or have already had weightloss surgery this is something that is going to smack you in the face, Hard.

I feel betrayed,
left in the cold,
I miss my soulmate..... FOOD!

I know as time goes on my friend will work it's way back into my life but right now I miss it.  The little nibbles I'm getting here and there do not make up for the chucks of food I miss going into my waiting belly. 

In reality I'm not hungry.  My belly's not growling and I'm not experiencing "head hunger".
I just want to bite into something big and juicy.
I want to rip my teeth through juicy medium rare steak.
I want to dip some chicken into barbeque juice drippings.
I want to crunch on a cold and dressed up salad with boiled egg, bacon bits, chicken and Cesar dressing.
I want to mush around a fresh baked potato swimming with butter and sour cream.
I said from the beginning I am NOT a sweets and chocolate kind of girl, I'm not craving sweets.  I'm craving what I love best.... PROTEIN!

I miss massive amounts of grab a smoke and lean back in your chair food.
I miss finding crumbs in my bra from the feast I just had at dinner.
I miss desperately searching for something to fit between my teeth to get that piece of steak thats stuck.
I miss everything there is about eating.

If I didn't miss these things I would think that this surgery was a huge failure.  I wouldn't have the need to restrict and produce malnourishment.  So far my surgery is doing exactly what I wanted it to do: Stop me from eating abusively. 

I'm a big girl and my love affair with food is not new.  It will probably never go away.  It is something I can learn to control even if it means forcefully doing so.  Those feelings I have about it though is something I need to work out on my own (or with the help of my shrink).  For right now I feel the best sharing these things with you. 

If you're a pre-op reading this, expect at some point to feel what I've said.  Even if you're feelings aren't exact you will feel some type of remorse for your food.  We didn't get fat by running laps at the Y and eating like a bird.  Food got us here.  The means of delivery will vary.  For some you may be emotional eaters to like to pick up something to eat at the first sign of being sad, or happy.  For others your crutch may be bordem.  For me it was a love affair.  I ate happy, sad, bored, busy, alone or with company.  Food was my friend.  I'm confident it will be again. We just have to find a place where I'm not taking advantage of our friendship.  I can't think of a better way to do this than through my DS.

The stuff you read over

Before I start to ramble I'd like to share something new, well ok, semi new.  I have a facebook page just for my blog.  right now it's not much more than a place for me to update you with my latest blog ramblings but soon it will be somewhere I share exclusive info and maybe even a contest for some weightloss related goodies!
Check it out HERE!

One of the things I have come to love about ObesityHelp.com is the ruthlessness of some of the members.  As much as they will tell you what an awesome surgery the DS is they are also quick to tell you the downsides.  Only thing is as much as I want to read about the crappy first few weeks or the lovely new stench my behind is producing there are things that are put in the storage part of my brain. Today is a product of just that.

I know the first few weeks are the pits.  I know how diligent I have to be about my shakes and H2O intake.  I know that I should probably be resting more and moving around less.  These things have been drilled into my head.  I just hate feeling so crappy.  I can't wait for the next few weeks when things seem to really kick into gear.

I'm not getting in enough protein.  I think alot of it has to do with my pre-op liquid diet and also the lack of intake I'm having now.  I feel weak, tired and generally just not well.  I know pre-op a month after I've started a liquid diet I would feel similar to this.  I wasn't sure if it was liquid diet related until I talked to my mom who confirms she remembers feeling like crap around the four week mark too.  Then take into consideration that I'm having a hard time getting anything into my body.  When I eat/drink my tummy makes this weird gurgling sensation and noises.  It's really weird.  So eating/drinking is a little unpleasant at the moment.   

I know I mentioned in my last post that I would be starting my vitamins and to a degree I have.  I'm taking all the vitamins the doctor wants me to take right now.  Next week I plan on going to Vitaladys full course of vitamin schedule.  I also have my first post-op appointment where I get to see my favorite doctor again.

The upside to all of this is you can really see the weight melting off my face.  I'll take some pictures in the next day or two to share.  Just as soon as I'm able to venture outside.  With this heat I'm scared to even get the mail.

I have a few online friends getting ready for their surgery over the next two weeks and I look forward to helping them through what the past two weeks have put me through. I also get to meet my first OH friend while she recovers in the hospital!  I'm soo excited! 

WTF did I just do?!

See the title up there?  "WTF did I just do?"  That was what I repeated out loud as I sat on the pot this morning.
I looked down at my disfigured belly, still a little swollen and freaked the fark out.
I totally lost it. 
I cried.
I pooped (I told you things were gonna get ugly on this blog)
I cried some more.
I got up and wobbled my way to the computer where I promptly logged onto ObesityHelp.com and was once reassured that yup, I did it.  I went and had Weight Loss Surgery. 

This isn't a bad thing.  I reassure you that I am happy, if not thrilled, with my decision.  It's just a reality check more than anything.  You see I've talked about this for years.  This has been an ambition of mine long before I even had my son which if you were to ask me is when my life really started.  But at some point Post-Op you will be hit in the face with the permanent resolution of your decision.  This isn't like Atkins or Weight Watchers that may feel permanent because of your empty wallet but they are always reversible.  This my friend is non-refundable, end of the line, rest of my life permanent.  That's ok.  I can deal with it.  I can more than deal with it.  I feel awesome about my decision.  I just can't believe I really did it!

Today I'm going to sort out my vitamins.  I'm starting to feel what I think are effects from lack of vitamins.  Too early out you say?  Maybe, but because of the liquid diet I did pre-op I think that feeling the effects right now may be quite normal.  So tomorrow I want to really start getting used to my regimen.  I'm scared of the big pills so thank goodness Vitalady has mostly chewable or dissolve-able. Expect pictures of them all put together.  I'm weird like that and ohh so excited to be opening the bottles finally! 

Migrating? Maybe.

I 'm here. 
Bored out of my mind. 
I feel like a newborn.  All I do is sleep, eat, exercise, shit and repeat. 
I want to add something new onto my regimen but honestly I'm not even two weeks out from major surgery, this is no time to be going to ceramics class or the newest water park. 
I do think I'm going to change blog servers though.  That should at least keep me busy.  What do you think?  Blogger is so boring, plus I'm limited on how it looks.  I think I like Wordpress which is what I used for an old blog.  What do you think?  https://thevanishingmom.wordpress.com/

Tired

Hi!  I'm here.  Surgery is officially 7 days behind me and I've been home since Saturday.  I haven't forgotten about my blog I promise.  My mind has just been else where.  I miss writing though and I'm glad I've checked in.

There really is so much to write about.  But my attention span is only gonna give me a few more minutes so in a nut shell here goes nothing.

I feel like I got hit by a bus.  But not any bus, a cheery, happy, hippy filled bus.   As much as I feel like crap I feel awesome at the same time.  I'm having a hard time getting in all my water but I'm making my goal of 60 oz a day (I need 4 more oz but 60 is awesome).  I started my Multi with ADEK and tomorrow I'm going to start my iron since I feel so sluggish.  I'm getting in 30 oz of protein a day be it shakes, prosource jello or diet. 

My incision itches and stings a little but it's signs of healing, no redness, puss, swelling or bruising which is awesome!  I think the coolest scars though are the two on my neck from my central line.  It looks like vampire teeth marks.  I personally think my belly scar is small, which is awesome.  It runs  from the top of my belly (bottom of my rib cage) to just about my belly button.  I figured it would be like others I've seen and go around my belly button. 

I'm starting to feel the blues but I think that has to do with more being stuck in this house more than anything.  It's been 100 degrees outside and since I'm forcing fluids I'm scared to go outside and sweat too much since DSers dehydrate so fast.  As soon as my water intake is better I'm going to have to force myself not to run outside.

Ok, my attention span is officially dwindling......  See you tomorrow :)