No matter how much fluff or smiles I try to blog about there is nothing to hide my sadness.
I've been in hiding from confronting this and what a better place to do this than my blog. I actually decided to post this because if you are thinking about, waiting for, or have already had weightloss surgery this is something that is going to smack you in the face, Hard.
I feel betrayed,
left in the cold,
I miss my soulmate..... FOOD!
I know as time goes on my friend will work it's way back into my life but right now I miss it. The little nibbles I'm getting here and there do not make up for the chucks of food I miss going into my waiting belly.
In reality I'm not hungry. My belly's not growling and I'm not experiencing "head hunger".
I just want to bite into something big and juicy.
I want to rip my teeth through juicy medium rare steak.
I want to dip some chicken into barbeque juice drippings.
I want to crunch on a cold and dressed up salad with boiled egg, bacon bits, chicken and Cesar dressing.
I want to mush around a fresh baked potato swimming with butter and sour cream.
I said from the beginning I am NOT a sweets and chocolate kind of girl, I'm not craving sweets. I'm craving what I love best.... PROTEIN!
I miss massive amounts of grab a smoke and lean back in your chair food.
I miss finding crumbs in my bra from the feast I just had at dinner.
I miss desperately searching for something to fit between my teeth to get that piece of steak thats stuck.
I miss everything there is about eating.
If I didn't miss these things I would think that this surgery was a huge failure. I wouldn't have the need to restrict and produce malnourishment. So far my surgery is doing exactly what I wanted it to do: Stop me from eating abusively.
I'm a big girl and my love affair with food is not new. It will probably never go away. It is something I can learn to control even if it means forcefully doing so. Those feelings I have about it though is something I need to work out on my own (or with the help of my shrink). For right now I feel the best sharing these things with you.
If you're a pre-op reading this, expect at some point to feel what I've said. Even if you're feelings aren't exact you will feel some type of remorse for your food. We didn't get fat by running laps at the Y and eating like a bird. Food got us here. The means of delivery will vary. For some you may be emotional eaters to like to pick up something to eat at the first sign of being sad, or happy. For others your crutch may be bordem. For me it was a love affair. I ate happy, sad, bored, busy, alone or with company. Food was my friend. I'm confident it will be again. We just have to find a place where I'm not taking advantage of our friendship. I can't think of a better way to do this than through my DS.