Saturday, July 23, 2011

Who Am I Kidding

It's like this kids.
No matter how much fluff or smiles I try to blog about there is nothing to hide my sadness.
I've been in hiding from confronting this and what a better place to do this than my blog.  I actually decided to post this because if you are thinking about, waiting for, or have already had weightloss surgery this is something that is going to smack you in the face, Hard.

I feel betrayed,
left in the cold,
I miss my soulmate..... FOOD!

I know as time goes on my friend will work it's way back into my life but right now I miss it.  The little nibbles I'm getting here and there do not make up for the chucks of food I miss going into my waiting belly. 

In reality I'm not hungry.  My belly's not growling and I'm not experiencing "head hunger".
I just want to bite into something big and juicy.
I want to rip my teeth through juicy medium rare steak.
I want to dip some chicken into barbeque juice drippings.
I want to crunch on a cold and dressed up salad with boiled egg, bacon bits, chicken and Cesar dressing.
I want to mush around a fresh baked potato swimming with butter and sour cream.
I said from the beginning I am NOT a sweets and chocolate kind of girl, I'm not craving sweets.  I'm craving what I love best.... PROTEIN!

I miss massive amounts of grab a smoke and lean back in your chair food.
I miss finding crumbs in my bra from the feast I just had at dinner.
I miss desperately searching for something to fit between my teeth to get that piece of steak thats stuck.
I miss everything there is about eating.

If I didn't miss these things I would think that this surgery was a huge failure.  I wouldn't have the need to restrict and produce malnourishment.  So far my surgery is doing exactly what I wanted it to do: Stop me from eating abusively. 

I'm a big girl and my love affair with food is not new.  It will probably never go away.  It is something I can learn to control even if it means forcefully doing so.  Those feelings I have about it though is something I need to work out on my own (or with the help of my shrink).  For right now I feel the best sharing these things with you. 

If you're a pre-op reading this, expect at some point to feel what I've said.  Even if you're feelings aren't exact you will feel some type of remorse for your food.  We didn't get fat by running laps at the Y and eating like a bird.  Food got us here.  The means of delivery will vary.  For some you may be emotional eaters to like to pick up something to eat at the first sign of being sad, or happy.  For others your crutch may be bordem.  For me it was a love affair.  I ate happy, sad, bored, busy, alone or with company.  Food was my friend.  I'm confident it will be again. We just have to find a place where I'm not taking advantage of our friendship.  I can't think of a better way to do this than through my DS.

5 comments:

  1. hang in there, sweetie. This is the HARDEST period of time I think. XOXO

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  2. Oh this has GOT to be the hardest part. And I know soon enough I'll be able to rip through my steak again. This is what I signed up for. I WANTED this. I needed a stone cold intervention from my food. I think if I felt any different I would regret my surgery. WLS shouldn't be easy. It should be hard. If it wasn't why would we need it?

    I'm glad to see you're up and about (online anyway lol) I can't wait for your next blog!

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  3. Joi u r one of the most courageous I know and I know that ur determination will get u through this. I am proud to be your father. If there was a way I could lift this burden from you I would do so in a heartbeat. The only thing I can do is to be there for you every step of the way and know that u can call me anytime day or night to listen and hold your hand along ur journey.

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  4. I have the best support system a girl could ask for. :) Thank you Daddy :) I love you!

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  5. Dear God YES! I hear everything you are saying and I'm nodding YES! Granted, I'm preop, but I'm feeling the loss for foods. I also crave the same foods you do. I haven't had milk in three months or rice or a bunch of other stuff. A baked potato mmmmmmm.

    You don't have to put on a happy face for your blog in my opinion. I want the truth and the reality. Thank you for being honest.

    I hope you get to rip through some good food soon.

    On another note, how is your pain level?

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